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User talk:Bobcatnat123
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the User:Bobcatnat123 page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! Underscorre (talk) 20:46, March 29, 2015 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:43, March 30, 2015 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:57, March 30, 2015 (UTC) Story Unfortunately friends do not make the best of critics. Your story failed to meet the quality standards for this wiki. Ignoring the initial coding issues, there were still: Punctuation issues: numerous missing commas and periods to remove run-on sentences. "In school he was the smartest kid in his grade he thought(,) he got a good grades on every assignment and never got below an A on his grade card.", "One day a new student came to his school(,) she was his age and in his grade(.) he (He) didn't bother trying to befriend her because he thought she would be like everyone else." "“Hi(,) my name is Natalie.” Said (said) Natalie “Oh h-hello(,) I’m Josh.” Said (said) Josh,", etc. Additionally dialogue should be spaced out to new lines so two speakers are never talking in the same paragraph. This is done to help with story flow and prevent confusion as to who's speaking. Apostrophes missing from words denoting possession "dog(')s teeth" and contractions "lets (let's) see if you are too." Wording issues: "Josh was a normal boy(,) he had Caucasian skin and brown hair." (He was Caucasian, saying he had Caucasian skin is awkward and raises questions.), "Every day(,) the school bullies (bully, as you dress him as singular later) forced him to do his homework along with Josh’s homework(./;) if (If) Josh didn't do it he would get his lunch money stolen by the bully’s (bully.) and being the kid he was he did it until the new student came." Run-on sentence. "Josh sat down at lunch expecting at least one of the bullies to come over and take his lunch money but, to his surprise(,) when they started to walk over the girl stopped them(.) they seemed terrified of her, he had no idea why." Run-on sentence. "20 (Twenty) minutes later the police had still not arrived and he was on his computer (after finding his mom brutally murdered?) he thought nothing was in his house at the time for nothing had happened except his cat knocking down a lamp which made him almost go insane." Homophone issues: "All the pictures where (were) of the bullies...", "No trace of the limbs where (were) found(,) blood leads...", "Terminate on site (sight)." Capitalization issues: "Television" or Asylum (unless a specific asylum as in Pennhurst Asylum) does not need to be capitalized. "the Television something terrible. The Television..." "She was standing in front of him. She (He) blacked out." Grammatical issues: it's=it is, its=possession. "M-mom(,) w-what’s going on(?) its (It's) not funny anymore(,) stop it.” Said (said) Josh to no..." you're=you are, your=possession. "hopefully your (you're) better.” Said (said) Natalie..." Story issues: this really comes off more as a means of introducing your OC/CPC, The Cloaked Demon (Whose name by the way is never explained. You mention at the end she wears a cloak, but why would police nickname her the cloaked demon, and not the cloaked killer, or even nickname her at all.) than an involving story. See this guide for more in-depth reasonings. The protagonist's decisions are ridiculous. He finds his mom brutally murdered and after calling the police, he sits down at his computer. Additionally, I would have to assume that both Josh and Natalie are in high school given your descriptions, which makes it odd when you consider that this girl kills six bullies, a cadre of police officers, and his mother, all without being hurt or alerting Josh to the fact that she was literally tearing his mother's face off while he was still in the house without any sounds of a struggle or screams of agony. Your story has a lot of issues and the fact that it comes off solely as a means to introduce your creepy pasta character and not really build any tension or suspense drastically reduces the story far below our quality standards.. I would strongly suggest using the writer's workshop next time as your friends may not be the best at pointing out issues. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:37, March 31, 2015 (UTC)